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Monday, June 22, 2009

The top ten horror films to watch just prior to Halloween part 8: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (movie review)

Ah yes, welcome back true believers - I must apologize that last weekend I went away with my family on a trip to the fair. And all of this week I've either been exhausted or tied up as of yet to take care of business. The business being, time to write about yet ANOTHER awesome horror film that you gore fans need to catch up on before the season is out. Now I'm not talking to find these shits on televison - there going to be edited to crap. So forget about any presentations on USA, SCI-FI channel or AMC you will be denied the gorey experiences that you NEED to have this holiday season. Like the otherday I saw all of these quick clips for horror films that would be show on AMC. They've been doing this every year for sometime now, and it's typically the same couple of horror films: Halloween 4/5, American Werewolf in London, Freddy 2 and others. Now I'm sad to see Friday the 13th Part 6 (my ranked number 9 on the countdown) will be joining their ranks in the cutting room floor :(

Well, here I promise you the true gritty details: I give you the facts, list the breast counts and how much buckets of blood are gonna come spurting on out at ya. As told in Joe Bob Briggs fashion, I get right to business (after listing a lot of bullshit or useless tidbits of information) but I want you, the little people, to really get the gist of these films the way they were intended. So for god's sake: Join up with Netflix, cause every lil rinky dinky Blockbuster video has capitolized and smothered out the lil mom and pop video rental stores to ever carry any of this stuff ever again. Some of them are rare gems, and some are commercialized. And some yet have so many cuts, versions and even remakes - you'll never really know which ones to get. SO my suggestion to you guys is either be lucky enough to bump into these films on your digital cabel/satelite provider - or just go out and buy these films. Some of them I bought just on a whim or from info I've read from the great sites like or I put out the money for them and never live to regret it.

If you just happen to stumble upon my countdown, you can either read my previous listings OR just read the following messages of the recent reviews that you have missed: 10)A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 3: The Dream Warriors 9)Friday the 13th Part 6: Jason Lives 8)Return of the Living Dead 7)Dead Alive (aka Brain Dead) 6)Re-Animator 5)Demons (aka Demoni) 4)Evil Dead and now for the next addition to my countdown.....

3)The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Texas Chainsaw Massacre

1974, Directed and written by Tobe Hooper, with story also by Kim Henkel.

OF COURSE I"M NOT GONNA LIST THAT REMAKE! I for one have yet to see the 2003 remake - nor do I ever intend to do so. I remember my first year of teaching, I had tons of lil pre-teen kids bragging how it was the SCARIEST film they'd ever seen. I think that ANYONE that thinks that the re-make was SO frightening would never have ever dreamed of watching the original - nor baring witness to the gritty, hot and grueling presentation that is made in that film from the acting abilities of Marilyn "The Screamer" Burns or those creepy ass sound effects of metal on metal that make you wanna rip your ears right off. Nor will I ever think that Jessica Beil could take on the great Leatherface, nor should I show sympathy to a serial killer who has now claims of having a skin disease and needs flesh masks for himself? FILGERCARB!@

The other thing that I really don't like is that this original film has been remade, redone and reinspired so many times on over. Granted, you can take the base plot of a couple of kids out on the road, get lost and killed and apply that to just about every modern day horror film out there - but you have to look much closer at the entire Texas series. I for one will never have intentions of seeign the remake - why? It's been remade so many times already. Not only, in my humble opinion, is House of a 1,000 Corpses a remake of this film, but I also like to call to mind other films similar to it that are almost pseudo remakes - or heavily influences such as my personal favorite Evil Dead or the more modern and somewhat evern more of a remake to Evild Dead is Cabin Fever. Don't get me wrong - I absolutely LOVE House of a 1,000 (especially Rob Zombie's directing!) Evil Dead and Cabin Fever - but there is a core sample of horror that Tobe Hooper helped create almost 30 years ago - and it's been going strong ever since.

For example, if you wanna be a strictler for continituy in films: don't start with the Texas Chainsaw Massacre films. I've found all of them to either just start all other - or not have much continution between them. Except for possiably Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2: TCM 2 It's really not a great film, but Tobe Hooper returns to direct but now we have Dennis Hooper

Not only do you get that creepy feeling from the start of what you're seeing is true - but the way this thing was shot is that it looks almost like old school home movies at the time - or at least a gritty peice of documentary. You get lost in the whole aspect of the film and sometimes you probably forget what you're seeing is just fake - just a story. So a couple of these hippies are off to investigate their grand daddy's place - they pick up a hitchhiker and in one way or another stuck on the back roads of Texas - you stumble upon the farmhouse of the crazy cannibals.

I've personally met people wh are from Texas, and they will surely tell you that they have either met Leatherface himself, heard of their award winning chili or have in some way shape form or another come across the likes of the TCM family. This led me on a mission to uncover the truth for myself: The truth is that there was no cannibal famiily weiliding chainsaws to chop up their victims. The story comes from a sick man around the 1920's and 30's called Ed Gein.

Gein was a sick bastard, he was known for his acts of cannibalism, necrophilia, killing 2 women and using the flesh of women to make a suit for himself to essentially become a woman. He was a totally deranged fuck and some may note him as America's first serial killer. He was digging up dead bodies from the nearby graveyard, and making lil trophies and furniture made out of flesh and bones (much like some of the lil things that you see in the farm house of the original TCM) He was arrested and sentenced to death for murdering those 2 women. THe likes of his persona ended up on the cinema as found in Norman Bates of Psycho (as the split personality and wanting to become a woman) Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs (from making a woman suit out of their flesh) And Leatherface - including his whole family (as in their creepish decorations and lovely taste of the flesh) As far as the Chainsaw itself goes- well that comes from Tobe Hooper one day stuck in a Montgomery Ward's during xmas time stuck in the hardware section and thinking of a fun way to utilize chainsaws during the crowded xmas season.

So again - society needs to view TCM not as truth, but a film with a smill slither of truth within it to subdue the concisosness into fright. You're scaring yourselves by thinking it's real. Which is a great marketing ploy, especially for a much younger generation that are just beginning to capitolize on a 30 year old franchise. So tell everyone - tell your friends - it's not true but check out the original film for a fun time and some truly great fright.Ed Neal in Bryanston Films' The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Things to look for:

- Beating a bitch with a broom

-Hot Dog nipples

-Listening to her scream

-Photos from the slaughterhouse


-Time to feed Grandpa

-That weird ass legion on the Hitchhiker's face

-People in wheelchairs are "dead weight" in a horror film

-Creative use of a hammer

-Creative use of a meat hook

-The Hitchhiker's bargaining postures are highly dubious

-The Cook repeatedly poking the girl with a stick while she gags in a burlap sack. HILARIOUS!

-Watching Grandpa bash Sally in the head OVER and OVER again trying to get her blood in the slop bucket.

-Black Maria saving the day by running over the Hitch hiker and throwing a wrench at Leatherface's head.

-After getting hit int he head with a wrench and cutting his leg with his chainsaw, Leatherface still gets up for a air guitar solo-esque with his mighty blade swinging around int he air.

-Franklin is a whiney bitch.

Memorable Lines:

Old Man: Look what your brother did to the door! Ain't got no, no pride in his home!

Old Man: You damn fool you ruined the door!

Hitchhiker: [to Sally] And, and I thought YOU was in a hurry!

Hitchhiker: My family's always been in meat.

Jerry: That's the last goddamn hitchhiker I ever pick up.

COOK: ..."Ol Grandpa is one of the best killers there ever was..."

Worthless tidbits of info:

-When they're feeding Grandpa through Sally's finger - Gunnar really cut her finger cause he was tired of doing the scene over and over again.

-Originally titled as Headcheese and wasn't changed until just before release.

-The truck in the film that saves the day is written with Black Maria and the truck that runs the college kids almost off the road in Evil Dead is Lazy Mary. Coincidence?

-John Laroquette from Nightcourt, Madhouse and Meatballs 2 does the opening narration to the film.

-The Cook is the only actor to return in TCM 2, but there are some returning cameos from people like Sally and Grandpa as different characters in Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation

Final Rundownof the film:

Pairs of Boobs seen: 0,

Body Count: 5 (it can technically be six cause by the time Sally reaches the mental hospital to tell her story, she practically dies from hysteria.)

Gore factor: 4 out of 10 buckets of blood, not a very gorey film - BUT VERY effective in everything needed to be done. One of those "more frightening when you don't see it kinda things"

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